Friday, May 17, 2013
Fixing errors on non-fiction essay
Homework for Monday: Print out your non-fiction essay (persuassive/argumentative). On a separate sheet of paper, rewrite based on comments. Fix all grammar/spelling issues. Fix writing issues (for example, if your topic sentence was off base, rewrite it). For fixes you're not certain of, ask other students in the class to give you feedback.You MUST go the blog to place sentences you're unsure of, and even if you don't place a sentence on the blog, you must go to the blog by Sunday night, and offer at least two suggestions for fixing problems students place on the blog.
Use of blog for feedback:
1) Go to blog posting (www.vilbigwriting.blogspot.com)
2) Under the comments section (you might need to register), write the entire sentence in which the correction was suggested.
3) Capitalize the word or words over which the blue bubble was located.
4) In parenthesis at the end of the sentence write the heading of the blue bubble.
Example: The officials defended THERE decision. (there/their/they're)
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65 comments:
According to the article "McDonalds Alters Happy Meals and Shrinks Fries", a regular happy meal with chicken nuggets contains 530 calories and 23 grams of fat. (Quotation)
I think it should be: According to the article "McDonalds Alters Happy Meals and Shrinks Fries," a regular happy meal with chicken nuggets contains 530 calories and 23 grams of fat. (With the comma inside the quotation marks) ~Julianna
This menace led to an ongoing controversy: bomb North Korea or not bomb North Korea. (Tense problem)
I thought it should be : This menace led to an ongoing controversy: bombong North Korea or not bombing North Korea. .....but i might be wrong
@Sammi
I think it should be: This menace led to an ongoing controversy: Should we bomb North Korea or should we not bomb North Korea? (I think that the addition of the words "should we" should be correct.)
- Cynthia
I think it should be: This menace led to an ongoing controversy: should we or should we not bomb North Korea? ~Julianna
@Sammi I think it should be: "This menace has led to an ongoing controversy: to bomb North Korea or to not bomb North Korea."(I think the addition of "has" connects the sentence to the present. Also, adding "to" would make the sentence flow better. -Jennifer L. Pd. 7
Justice Kennedy has said “We have five years of information to weigh against 2,000 years of history or more,” (Quotation)
@Olivia According to the article "McDonalds Alters Happy Meals and Shrinks Fries," a regular "Happy Meal" (It's a title of a specific kids' meal) with chicken nuggets contains 530 calories and 23 grams of fat.
@Sammi
I believe you should change the structure of the sentence. i.e. "Because of this menace, there is a still-ongoing controversy of whether or not North Korea should be bombed.
The pill provides an alternative option to terminating a pregnancy within the first few days of having unprotected sex as opposed to getting an abortion to terminate the pregnancy (WHICH WILL) require months of waiting. (Tense problem)
@Chrystal Wong I think it should be: “We have five years of information to weigh against 2,000 years of history or more,” said Justice Kennedy. (The name of the quoter should go after the quote)
WHILE AS, others believe that teachers with guns are a foolish idea and should just increase strictness on gun control laws. (frag)
@ Alina Bita: The pill provides an alternative option to terminating a pregnancy within the first few days of having unprotected sex as opposed to getting an abortion to terminate the pregnancy which would require months of waiting. (change the will to would since the pill WOULD require months of waiting)
Even with mixed response on this topic, most STATES AND citizens including I agree that teachers with guns are a horrendous idea and we should revise the gun control laws. (unclear)
The costs of the systems include "additional compensation, training fees, assessments, software and technology", which amounts to a staggering $155,355 outside of New York's five largest cities. (Quotation)
@stephanie leung the coma should be inside the quotation marks . So it should be ..software and technology, "
comma*
@Angela I think it should be: Although there has been a mixed response, most citizens, myself included, agree that giving teachers guns is a horrendous idea, and the gun control laws must be revised. (I think you should take out the word "states" and reword "including I" since it makes it seem like you're a state, causing confusion. Also, I think "teachers with guns" could be phrased better and "must" makes your sentence stronger than "should."
The mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary has sparked up debate on whether or not officials should carry guns in school for "safety" measures.
@Sammi
I think it's: This menace leads to an ongoing controversy: bomb North Korea or not bomb North Korea.
Most of our controversial discussions today are based on foolery and immature morals that humankind has blamed their ethnic and religious views for (unclear/reshape sentence). So, how would I reshape this sentence?
@Cynthia Ly maybe you should write - Controversial topics of the present day have resulted from the flawed ethnic and religious views of humanity.
@AngelaChan
Maybe you should try this:
Even with mixed responses on this widely debated topic, most state citizens including myself, agree that teachers who are armed with defense weapons, is a horrendous idea and that we should revise the gun control laws.
- Cynthia
According the article Focus on Dairy Farmers in Immigration Debate, Kirk Semple stated “Mr. True, whose family has been dairy farming for two centuries, scrambled around the clock with his relatives to milk their 1,100 cows, hire and train new workers and keep the farm in business.” (Quotation)
According to the article, Focus on Dairy Farmers in Immigration Debate, the author Kirk Semple stated “Mr. True, whose family has been dairy farming for two centuries, scrambled around the clock with his relatives to milk their 1,100 cows, hire and train new workers, and keep the farm in business.” (Quotation)
@ Jenny Wang
I think you should change debate into debates.
The mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary has sparked up debates on whether or not officials should carry guns in school for "safety" measures.
@ Cynthia Ly
I think you should reconstruct your sentence like this:
Mankind has blamed their ethnic and religious views on foolish and immature morals, which are controversial topics discussed today.
Hey I just have two sentences I need help with and they both deal with quotation problems, here they are:
1)If you remove this obstacle it may likely increase sexual activity with the mind set of “I can always run down to the Rite-Aid and get Plan B”.
2)Making the now over the counter Plan B pill available to all ages, an adolescent will not need the assistance of a parent, and will most likely keep such a thing from a parent if they feel the issue has been “taken care of”.
E.g many of the writers and artists are being harassed or sued for what they write and publish and create.
(Word choice error)
~Onur
DURING OUR TEENAGE YEARS, we spend most of our weekdays in class. (Topic Sentence problem)
Over the years, the growth of technology has becaome a daily necessity in our lives THAT IT IS CHANGING US (unclear) from the better to the WORST (Word Choice)
@Ashley
1)If you remove this obstacle it may likely increase sexual activity with the mind set of “I can always run down to the Rite-Aid and get Plan B."
2)Making the now over the counter Plan B pill available to all ages, an adolescent will not need the assistance of a parent, and will most likely keep such a thing from a parent if they feel the issue has been “taken care of."
~Onur
Thanks Onur !
Obama who is currently on his second term as President of the United States is struggling to fulfill one of his major promises. (Comma Error)
@Tina Lau, it is unclear because you said us. The reader wouldn't know who is "us". You should change us to the actual subject of the sentence. For example instead of us, Americans can replace it
@Tina Lau Over the years, the growth of technology had become a necessity in our daily lives to such an extent that it is slowly shaping the population for the worst. I believe this is the correct way to phrase it. Hope it helps (:
@Ciera Corley, I don't think the period is suppose to be in the quotation. I think your suppose to put the period after the quotation
@sade_seidu I think it should be - Obama, who is currently on his second term as President of the United States, is struggling to fulfill one of his major promises.
@tina I think you should work on syntax and put the we clause first identifying the subject
This is what many opinions and
arguments fall on; welfare abusers make us all want to hurl the system.( word choice error)
@sade_seidu a comma after Obama and after United States also try in his second term instead of on his second term
@angelachan WHILE AS, others believe that teachers with guns are a foolish idea and should just increase strictness on gun control laws. (frag)
You can either combine this sentence with the previous sentence with a semicolon, or use "On the other hand" instead of "While as".
@alina
The pill provides an alternative option to terminating a pregnancy within the first few days of having unprotected sex as opposed to getting an abortion to terminate the pregnancy (WHICH WILL) require months of waiting. (Tense problem)
Which will -> Which would
@ Sade
i think that there should be a comma between Obama and who, and another comma after the UnitedStates
@Anastasiya Tomusyak
maybe try
The basis of many arguments is that welfare abusers make us all want to hurl the system.
oh Peanut butter and jelly is me
>.> sorry Mr. Vilbig didn't realize that was my name earlier
Secondly, the spirit of the law is to allow people to be protected by owned a weapon, but when teachers in a Missouri school are given guns in order to protect their students at school, we as a nation have reached a new low. (UNCLEAR)help plz
@Nonso One suggestion to make your paragraph more clear is rephrasing it into different setences.
By law, people are given the rights to own weapons for self-defense. Unfortunately, our nation reaches a low when teachers in Missouri are given weapons because teachers should not need weapons to protect their students.
@ Tina Lau
try: Over the years, the growth of technology has become a daily necessity to our lives that changes it from better to the worse
Especially, ubiquitous franchises like McDonald because it is one of the main ones in the world and many kids love eating them for all three meals of the day. (Fragment)
@ Tina Lau
try: We spend most of our weekdays in class during our teenage years.
@ David Pun
try using "Mcdonald especially, is like ubiquitous franchises because many kids enjoy eating it as part of their three daily meals."
@Jenny Wang
I think it should be: The mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary sparked a debate on whether or not officials should carry guns in school for "safety" measures.
- Kareena L.
The prisoners have been locked up in Guantanamo in single cells and many of them have been imprisoned for UNJUST THINGS. (WC) Word choice error
@ Tina Lau
Over the years, the growth of technology has became a daily necessity in our lives. It has led to chaos and problems. (include examples of those things and you should be set i believe.
@Onur
I think it should be: Many writers and artists are being harassed or sued for what they write, publish and create...but I could be wrong.
-Kareena L.
Good work. Lots of comments that seem very helpful.
@sammi
The menace led to an ongoing controversy: to bomb North Korea or not to bomb North Korea.
@olivia costello
"McDonalds Alters Happy Meals and Shrinks Fries,"
-maqadus
If gun ownershipand homicide rates are compared,researches have shown there is a positive correlation according to decades of data anaylzed by the Harvard School of Public Health.(misplaced modifer)
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